A Mama of her own

   Since getting Mason and Reagan, bedtime has been relatively easy.  When we were in China, which carried over to coming home, Reagan claimed Dan has the one who she wanted to stay with her until she fell asleep and so I would stay with Mason until he fell asleep.  They would both usually be asleep within fifteen to twenty minutes so it was the perfect sleeping arrangement….that is until a few nights ago.  After bedtime prayers a few nights ago Reagan decided she wanted me to lay with her.  Mason wasn’t happy about the change but I felt that if Reagan was asking for me and it was the first time since getting her, I wanted to stay with her.  Mason continued to ask if I could stay with him so Dan and I decided that I would stay with Reagan for twenty minutes and then I would go stay with Mason.  We figured that at least one of the kids would be asleep by then so it would work out.  Not so.

As Reagan and I lay in her bed I showed her on my watch what time I would leave her to go stay with Mason.  Well, I laid there.  The girl was very fidgety and constantly wanting her blankets smoothed out.  She finally started to quiet down and moved closer to me.  I loved the feeling of her wanting to be next to me.  After about ten minutes she finally just snuggled with me and put her arm on my chest.  In my head I was praying she would be asleep within the next ten minutes as I did not want to disrupt this sweet moment we were having.  The ten minutes came and went and Reagan was still awake.  I knew Mason was still waiting for me so I whispered to Reagan that I was going to go see Mason and pointed to my watch.  She shook her head no.  I said yes and that I loved her.  She pulled on my neck and gave me another kiss; the girl was seriously not making this easy.  I got out of her bed and quickly made my way over to Mason’s room.  

Mason was still very much awake and motioned for me to come and tickle his arm, something that I do while I lay with him.  I could hear Reagan start to quietly ask for mama.  Dan heard this and knowing I was doing double duty he went in to check on her.  I could hear her say, “No! Mama.”  I did not want to leave Mason.  I didn’t want him to feel that I was running to her just because she was making noise.  Dan left Reagan’s room when she made it very clear she did not want him there.  She said “Bye bye baba.”  It doesn’t much clearer than that.

As I lay next to Mason waiting to hear his deep breathing that lets me know that he is asleep, I could still hear Reagan asking for me.  It wasn’t a sad cry or a very loud cry.  It was if she was saying mama because she could, she finally had a mama.  And then it hit me.  Reagan is five years and four months old.  She was abandoned at one year and three months old.  For as long as she can remember, Reagan has not had a mama of her own.  I started wondering how often she had called out for mama and no one came.  How often in her short little life had she wanted comfort when being scared or hurt and not having a mama to run to her when she cried out.  Or what about moments of just wanting to snuggle at bedtime and not having a mama there?  Tears started rolling down my cheeks and I told myself to get it together, I did not want Mason to see or hear me crying.  My heart was aching to go in, get her and hold her.  To tell her that mama heard her and will always hear her.  I prayed that Mason would fall asleep quickly. 

I finally heard the sounds of his deep breathing and I knew I could leave.  By that time Reagan’s room was quiet.  I walked in and leaned over her bed, she was asleep.  I so badly wanted to wake her.  I wanted to tell her, “I’m here baby girl, mama heard you.”  I kissed her cheek and stroked her little arm hoping she would wake up so that she would know I was there but she was soundly sleeping.  Realizing she was asleep and she was not going to wake up, I put my hand on her head and prayed.  I prayed that God would give my sweet baby girl the peace of knowing that she has a mama who hears her cries, who will be there to comfort her, who will be there to share in the moments of joy and celebrations and that most of all,  that she would know she forever has a mama of her own.